Latter-Day Crap Play

By Richard Green, Martin Keegan and Colin Stephen

Act I Scene i (The Eagle)

CRICK: And nobody could believe it was Lusztig.
WATSON: We all thought he was dead.
CRICK: What's that curly thing on the next table?
WATSON: Not sure, but there could be a Nobel prize in it.
[They run triumphantly into the street.]
CRICK: And now, a word from our sponsors.
WATSON: WASHING MACHINE!
CRICK: Next week - another word!
WATSON: That's not a word, silly-hat.
CRICK: You're confusing me with someone else. [Reads card.] We're not alone!
[Enter Washing and Machine.]
WASHING: On behalf of myself and my colleague, Mr. Machine, we are withdrawing funding for your research. We don't believe it has any practical applications.
MACHINE: That's right. I'm off to watch Teletubbies.
CRICK: We should have stayed in marine biology.
WATSON: Aye, there's no money in curlies these days.
CRICK: What's that over there on the table? I am so easily backtracked.
WATSON: The breadsticks, the baguette or the flowing, golden curly thing hanging the air surrounded by a flock of angels with large dark eyes singing Cliff Richard Christmas Classics.
[Enter some singers.]
CLIFF: Carrie doesn't live here... any more.
CARRIE: I didn't leave a forwarding address either. Christmas time... mistletoe and wine.
CRICK: Oi, you singers. You're not going to crash our play. Time for a scene change.

Scene ii (The Eagle)

WATSON: What's alt.freemasonry.binaries doing in my newsfeed?
CRICK: I'll lodge a complaint.
WATSON: Sorry, we've done that joke.
CRICK: SILENCE! You're disturbing my ``wah''.
[He makes weird Tai-Chi noises.]
WATSON: You wa?
MACHINE: I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you all to Post Early For Christmas.
COLIN: I think ``wa'' should be a vowel. A-E-Wa-O-U.
[They laugh for minutes.]
[Enter Fetish Spice.]
FETISH: Are you as good as I remember, baby? Put it on, put it on. Also I think the ``w'' in ``wa'' should be silent.
WATSON: Save the W!
FETISH: Save the ashing-machine, conceptually, isn't it?
COLIN: [Coughs.] I only smoke in front of Reiner anyway - the things that woman does for me!!
FETISH: So, Martin, have you ever smoked or taken illegal drugs?
[The clock strikes 5:17.]
WATSON: This is THREE weird!
FETISH: Touché!
WATSON: Three-shé!
MACHINE and WASHING: Pamela Anderson!
CRICK: Pentapod!
FETISH: I'm a sexaped. I like feet.
CRICK: This is quickly devolving.
MACHINE: SIEG HEIL!
WASHING: That was quick!
MACHINE: No, that was Crick!
WATSON: Isn't it time to invoke Keegan's Law?
[Enter the SNP.]
SALMOND: You say you want a devolution well, you know, we all want to change the world.
BLAIR: I thought you wanted independence.
SALMOND: Err...
FRUSER: No, we wan't repudiation of independance. Actually, we just want repudiation. We're prepared to start a size 7 war over this and any other issue, especially spelling and grammer.
SALMOND: Our secret weapon is PR, PR, PR - and I don't mean electoral reform. ``Revolution not devolution!''
[Whispers spread across land.]
ROBERT THE BRUCE: War!
JULIAN CLARY: War of the Poses!
BILLY CONNOLLY: It's the Big Yin!
ALAN CUMMING: We're all going to die! Oh deary me.
ROBERT THE BRUCE: Oh shit! A spider... No, it's a fake. My friends use it to scare me. Wait. That gives me an idea...

Act II (10 years later)

PRESENTER: So that was the first time they wrote together, calling themselves ``Buses on Diversion''.
[Cut to archive footage.]
RICHARD: I am a city stockbroker.
COLIN: I am a city stockbroker.
MARTIN: BUGGER OFF!!
[End of footage.]
PRESENTER: That... was bloody funny. This unique brand of humour was cultivated on the mud ISLAND.
[Enter Watson.]
WATSON: This is far too self-indulgent. Let's get back to the SNP. I think Jeff Goldblum should play me, by the way.
CRICK: OK. And I'll play the SNP. At Pontoon.
SNP, in chorus: Twist.
MARTIN: BUGGER OFF.
SNP, in chorus: Did you shout!
CRICK: I am a city stockbroker. I am a city stockbroker. I am a city stockbroker.
JEFF GOLDBLUM: Destroy New York. Destroy New York. Destroy New York. Destroy Chicago.
SNP: BUGGER OFF!
JEFF GOLDBLUM: These recognisers aren't what they used to be.
RICHARD: I see what's coming - The Great Vowel Shift!
[Enter The Great Vowel Shift.]
THE GREAT VOWEL SHIFT: Aaaarrgheeeiou.
JEZ: This really is the edge of the ice.
TINTIN: Who's Jez?
HADDOCK: You remember. The Estonian pilot.
TINTIN: Oh yes. I always wanted to register some .ee domains.
HADDOCK: That's Estonia.
TINTIN: Yes, I know.
HADDOCK: What are we doing in this play?
TINTIN: Buggered if I know.
UNCLE SPAM: Happy NOOyear.
THE GREAT VOWEL SHIFT: Welcome to the Continental Airlines Hub at Noow'k Nooj'rs'y.

Act 2 Scene the Second

UNCLE SPAM: This is getting heavily off topic and unsolicited.
FRUSER: I agree. Me too.
SNP, in chorus: YOU WA?
FRUSER: I AGREE. ME TOO.
UNCLE SPAM: I don't think much of your speech synthesiser.
HAWKING: The accent has been described as American, Scandinavian, or Irish.
THE GREAT VOWEL SHIFT: Hoi de hoi de Swedish chef.
HAWKING: You - are - free - associating - again. My - synthesiser - cannot - cope - with - this. I - often - say - the - wrong - words. But - that - is - not - the problem. Nor - is - the - problem - that - I - don't - notice - saying - the - wrong - words - but - that - I - often - gorilla - bank - war - doing - happen - orange.
FRUSER: I wan't to make a stand for freedom of freedom of free association.
McWHIRTER: I agree.
FRUSER: I am no born orator but... You Suck!
CRICK: I assumed capitals were taken as read.
McWHIRTER: OQURÜM (in capitals).
ERIC IDLE: Guaranteed to break the ice at parties.
WATSON: You've lost your edge, Eric.

Act III Scene i

ASSASSIN: Hi, Sybil. Fancy a shag?
SYBIL: Yes, but I fear for my personal safety.
MARTIN: If this were fiction, no-one would believe it.
RICHARD: So we make a soap, rather than the mini-series?
SAOMIK: Let's reorder, and make a box of food opera!
MARTIN: I was afraid you'd say that!

N.B.L.

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